Issue: April 2024
Balance
Being a parent is hard work. We know that balancing everything life has to offer can be a challenge. As such we decided to do a series on Balance. Here you will be able to find tips to help you balance life a little better. We would love to hear how these tools and tips are working for you once you have implemented them (info@2motherhens.com).
**Consistency is one of the most important aspects of effective parenting**
Welcome to the eighth installment of the BALANCE series:
How to Tell Your Child About Divorce
Deciding to get divorced is typically a difficult, emotionally raw experience. It tends to get even more heart-wrenching when children are involved. Often, the prospect of letting the kids know that the divorce is happening can be especially challenging. Many parents struggle with how and when to tell their kids that they are getting a divorce. Telling your child that their family is breaking up can feel doubly hard— But while there is no one perfect way to share this likely devastating news, some approaches are better than others. Research shows that sharing this sad news in a straightforward, loving, child-centered manner can help to ease the blow—and help the child along in the process of coping with the divorce. Here are some tips that can help.
Plan what you will say. Give simple, factual explanations.
Protect your kids from your hurt or anger by planning when, how, and what you will tell your kids. Plan to tell them on a day that allows for some family time. Doing so on a weekend would be suitable. By the same token, sharing this on a holiday or other special day, or just before school or bedtime would not be advised. Your child does not need to know all the complex, intricate details about all of the stressful events that led up to this point. Less is more. Whether your child is two years old or eighteen, keep your communication simple, factual, and straightforward.
Present a unified front.
Whenever possible, discuss your divorce when your ex-partner is present, right by your side. It is important to present a “unified front” for your child. Demonstrate that—even though some things are changing—both parents are still present, still communicating with each other, and still very much in charge. It’s also important that your children hear this news at the same time and directly from mom and dad. If it’s extremely difficult for you to speak with your spouse, or you can’t agree on how you will do it, consider using the services of a mediator, divorce coach, or counselor to help you work out the details. Don’t blurt it out impulsively in an emotional moment.
Develop a non-blaming narrative.
Avoid the temptation to assign blame or say whose “fault” this is. You may feel that you want your children to know the “truth”—“Mom had an affair,” or “Dad is leaving us.” This will cause your children to feel caught in the middle, in a loyalty bind. This isn’t healthy for them. The “truth” is less important than providing the support and reassurance that your children need. To the extent that you can, use the “we” word when you’re explaining the decisions that have been made.
Tell your kids why this is happening.
It is not important, or even appropriate, that you provide specific details about why you are planning a divorce. However, your kids will want to know why this is happening. Older kids will press for information so that they can understand why their lives are going to change. While you don’t want to share details of a personal nature, be prepared to give some type of general explanation without blame. “We hoped this would never happen but we can’t seem to fix our relationship.” “We both want different things in our lives.” “We like each other and want to be friends, but we don’t love each other anymore.” Remember that these are grown-up problems that your kids, even smart and mature kids, can’t understand yet.
Tell your kids what will change and what will stay the same.
The most important thing kids want to know is how your divorce is going to affect their lives. Your kids will want to know where they’re going to live, with whom, and what about their lives is going to change. You can help your children to be prepared for these changes by being honest about what you know as well as what you don’t know. If you and your spouse have settled on how you will share time with the kids, let them know the schedule. Reassure them about the things that will stay the same: their school, or friends, or sports, or other activities. Be sure to let them know that your love for them will never change. “Parents can divorce each other but they never divorce their kids.”
Tell your kids which parent will leave the home.
Unless you plan to nest, the more you can tell your kids about where the departing parent will be living and when they will be seeing him or her, the better. They’ll need to know, right away, that they will be able to maintain a quality relationship with both parents, even though they won’t be living under the same roof.
Reassurance is the key.
Your children will need lots of reassurance that the divorce is not their fault. Stress that nothing they did could have caused—or prevented—what is happening. Since there are a lot of unknowns at the start of a separation, don’t make promises you may not be able to keep. Don’t promise that you’ll never have to move, or that they will still go to sleep-away camp in the summer, unless you are certain. Instead, stick with the assurances you can make for the present time: “You will still go to your school,” or “You’ll still have Christmas and birthdays and sleepovers with your friends.” Reassure them that it may be hard for a while but that “We will all be okay after we get used to the new arrangements.”
Your kids’ reactions are completely normal. Encourage your child to share how he or she feels.
Your child will probably have a lot of questions—and a lot of emotions. Listen patiently. Reassure your child that it’s OK to feel all kinds of feelings about these changes. Be supportive and comforting. The news may (or may not) be completely unexpected and will certainly change their lives. Try to be as understanding of no reaction—which is actually a reaction—as you would be if they were in tears or extremely angry. Your children may not know how to express their intense emotions. They may be overwhelmed and shut down. It may be some time before they can express their feelings. If you are calm when you tell your children, they will have less anxiety and are more likely to anticipate that they will be ok. However, it is fine for the children to see you upset or cry as it gives them “permission” to have feelings too. Just be sure that you are able to control your emotions enough that they don’t need to take care of you. Remember, it is important to reassure them that everyone in the family will adjust to the changes and heal.
Invite their questions (but don’t pressure).
Some kids don’t want to talk right away. Others will have many questions. To the extent that you can, be honest and clear in your responses. If you don’t know the answer to a question, tell them that you’ll let them know when you figure things out. This conversation is just the first and it will unfold in many ways over time. Let them know that they can always ask new questions when they arise. But be sure to keep them out of the legal and financial issues as you move toward divorce.
Give them time to adjust to the news.
It will take time for you and your children to adjust to this huge change. While you may be confident in the future you envision for them, it will take some time for them to see that future play out. In the meantime, be emotionally present and reassuring. Modeling your healing and recovery over time will help them adapt and heal too.
Explain that this change is best for the whole family.
It’s likely that—in the months leading up to this point—your child has witnessed you and your partner fighting, treating each other poorly, or living in a state of tension. This is a good moment to explain to your child that this divorce is the beginning of a new chapter—less fighting, more peace—and that this change is what’s best for the whole family. Divorce is a huge transition—one that can leave your child feeling rattled and uneasy, wondering if “everything” is going to change. Be sure to emphasize that some things are not changing—and will never change.
Let your actions speak louder than words.
While it’s important to talk to your child about your divorce, what you do is just as important as what you say. Let your actions speak louder than words.
If you say, “We both love you and we’re here for you,” let your actions reflect that message. Give your child plenty of hugs, play together, cook together, read together, share plenty of quality time together. Show that you can be “counted on” and that you’re not “going anywhere.”
Also, as much as possible, keep your child’s usual routines in place—rules, chores, dinnertime, bedtime, and so on—with both parents, in both households. This kind of consistency will help your child to feel more secure.
References:
“What Should We Tell the Children?” by Joan Kelly, Ph.D.
http://www.shared-care.ca/files/How_to_Talk_to_the_Kids.pdf
Summer Camp Corner
As summer approaches we will be highlighting summer camps that we will be partnering with to enrich the lives of children.
Focus Family Camp
For: Focus-children under 29 years old who have a significant disability, including rare genetic syndromes, cerebral palsy, autism, and Down syndrome.
When: April 19 @ 4:00 pm – April 21 @ 12:00 pm
Price: $60/Weekend per person | $25-Saturday-Only per person
Location: Camp Twin Lakes – Rutledge, 1391 Keencheefoonee Rd, Rutledge, GA 30663
Website: https://focus-ga.org/event/family-camp/
Note: If you are not able to make it this time, they have additional weekends throughout the year.
Donations
Mother Hen is passionately committed to lending a helping hand to the underserved within the communities we serve. We are appreciative of any and all donations provided here. These donations will be used in entirety to provide services for underserved families as well as fulfill other specific outreach needs.
Outreach Initiatives:
- Community If your business would like to become a corporate sponsor and join us in supporting the community, please contact us directly.
- Family ServicesYour family service donation will directly help a family receive professional parental coaching sessions or services in navigating the school system to get the proper accommodations for their child to succeed academically.
- Corporate SponsorIf your business would like to become a corporate sponsor and join us in supporting the community, please contact us directly.