Issue: March 2024
Balance
Being a parent is hard work. We know that balancing everything life has to offer can be a challenge. As such we decided to do a series on Balance. Here you will be able to find tips to help you balance life a little better. We would love to hear how these tools and tips are working for you once you have implemented them (info@2motherhens.com).
**Consistency is one of the most important aspects of effective parenting**
Welcome to the seventh installment of the BALANCE series:
Co-Parenting with your Partner
The elements involved in being married or having a partner are one thing but co-parenting is completely different. Many couples don’t talk about these varying dynamics when they are in a relationship. Having children is a blessing but at the same time can be a major strain on relationships due to parenting styles. Discussing parental expectations and styles is incredibly important. Setting a foundation can lead to a happier and healthier relationship….and children.
Be Clear About Your Parenting Style
Authoritarian parenting – this is the parenting style that most of us were raised with. “Do as I say, no discussion, no room for negotiation, or else!” There are high demands, low emotional responsiveness, and failure to obey results in punishment. This parenting style results in children who are anxious, angry, and don’t learn to think for themselves.
Authoritative parenting – parents are firm but flexible, willing to listen to their child’s perspective and negotiate consequences, with a focus on setting boundaries and limits. When a child breaks a rule, the consequences consist of taking away items or privileges with the opportunity to earn them back. This parenting style often results in children who are responsible, cooperative, and self-reliant.
Permissive parenting – parents wish to be their child’s friend and generally have few expectations and demands. There is little discipline, low emotional supports, and they avoid confrontation for fear of being disliked. This parenting style often results in children who are anxious, scared, and feel unprotected.
Uninvolved parenting – parents don’t know much of what’s going on in their child’s life. They fulfill basic needs (e.g., food, clothes), but with little emotional connection. This parenting style often results in children who feel abandoned, are emotionally withdrawn, learn to provide for themselves, and fear becoming dependent on others.
Even though couples don’t need to exactly align, as individuals, it is helpful to become aware of your parenting styles and what beliefs and habits you each bring from your childhood homes. From this, you can deliberately decide how you wish to parent. It is important to discuss with your partner different ways you can work together and balance your conflicting (or overlapping) parenting style. When raising children, with special needs or neuro-typical, the Authoritative parenting style is ideal because there are clear boundaries established and maintained as well as consistency. There is also flexibility and openness to hearing the child’s perspective(s) but without the pressure to succumb to children’s desires and wants. Instead, there is an understanding that parents will hear what is being expressed, and validate it, but not necessarily agree or grant permission for what is being requested or demanded.
Don’t Criticize Each Other in Front of the Kids
As individuals, we all have a different way of reacting or behaving in a way that may be contrary to our partner. If you witness this in front of your children, let it go until you can talk with your partner about it one-on-one. Your children shouldn’t witness parental disputes. It’s also beneficial for the relationship to avoid spotlighting the other parent in a critical light.
Use a Catchphrase When Help Is Needed
Treading on your partner’s toes in the middle of disciplining can lead to resentment later. However, your partner may genuinely need a save from a situation that is out of hand. Finding a way to signal your needs at the moment can help you work collaboratively without confusion. The code word also doesn’t need to be kept secret from the kids. It is OK to use a known code word in front of the kids so you can be honest about your emotions. By being transparent, you’re saying, ‘I want to be more in control than I am and I need to take some time to manage my emotions.’ It’s a good lesson for them to learn. No one is perfect.
Make Couple Time
Protecting and nourishing a couple’s relationship should be a high priority. If possible, take weekly date nights. If that’s not an option, connect with your partner at home when the children are absent. After the kids go to bed, try to plan a late-night candlelit dinner or snuggle up for a movie night-in. It can also help to set up weekly family meetings so you can speak openly with your partner in a calm environment.
See a Therapist
It’s not unusual for differences in parenting styles to lead to clashing and arguments. If a helicopter parent is coupled with a free-range parent, the pair may benefit from working with a therapist or coach to create balance within the family. While several parenting styles can work together without much disruption, an impartial expert can be a welcome addition to the family dynamic when the divide is immense.
Know It Is Never Too Late
Many couples may build their parenting framework early. Others may only consider it after the family shows signs of distress. Is there ever a point when it is too late to fix the damage caused by arguing parents?
As parents, we often hear about the precious developmental period of the early years and may feel the pressure of a ticking clock. But there is never a point in child development that would be considered too late to have changes that make a positive impact. There is always time to improve and children will significantly benefit when parents work more collaboratively in their parenting style.
Learn Together
When only one partner carries all the mental load of parenthood — anticipating needs, obtaining knowledge, identifying options, making decisions, and essentially being “the manager” of the family — it can be hard for them not to impose their insights or standards on the other partner. This can lead to gatekeeping.
Gatekeepers might do everything themselves or look over their partner’s shoulder, giving directions and subtly (or directly) criticizing how they interact with, and care for, the baby.
Gatekeeping can become a vicious cycle because the other partner backs off thinking they’ll never get it right. As a result, they engage less with the child and feel less and less confident. At the same time, the gatekeeper is likely to feel overworked, exhausted, alone, and as if they are responsible for any and all mistakes.
To avoid gatekeeping, learn together by looking for evidence-based knowledge and by observing your baby. Share what you’ve learned and noticed. Take the time to discuss anything you disagree with. It is important to try to agree on big issues, especially those related to your children’s health and safety.
Appreciate Each Other
Should you make a special effort to distribute the parenting load equally? Probably not. Yours and your partner’s commitments outside your home, the needs of your child, and your own needs and perceptions will continue to change, making it difficult, if not impossible, to be exactly the same amount involved.
What matters is how you both feel about it. When it comes to housework, it’s often not the unequal division of labor that causes conflict, but the lack of recognition and appreciation. Perhaps the same is true for parenting together. Remember to notice what your partner does and to thank them.
In co-parenting, practice makes perfect. The more you practice being aligned, the easier it will become!
References:
Abidin, R. R., & Konold, T. R. (1999). Parenting alliance measure: Professional manual. Odessa, FL: Psychological Assessment Resources.
Baumrind, D. (1991a). Rearing competent children. In W. Damon (Ed.), Child development today and tomorrow (pp. 349-378). San Francisco: Jossey Bass.
Feinberg, M. E., & Kan, M. L. (2008). Establishing family foundations: Intervention effects on co-parenting, parent/infant well-being, and parent-child relations. Journal of Family Psychology, 22(2), 253-263.
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