Social Culture
Being a parent is hard work. This is especially when your teachings and lessons are not the only avenues for your children to learn. Also, there will inevitably be new situations your child encounters in which they may be unsure of how to navigate. As such, we decided to do a series on Social Culture. Here you will be able to find tips to help you maneuver the world inside and outside of your home. We would love to hear how these tools and tips are working for you once you have implemented them (info@2motherhens.com).
**Consistency is one of the most important aspects of effective parenting**
Welcome to the another installment of the SOCIAL CULTURE series:
Parenting By Guilt and Insecurity
What Is It
As a parent, do you sometimes feel like you’re not doing enough for your children? Do you feel guilty about having to leave your child to go to work? Do you look at other parents who seem to have it all together and wish that were you? If so, you may be experiencing parenting guilt which is also sometimes referred to as maternal guilt, mother guilt, mom guilt, or dad guilt.
Parenting guilt occurs when parents are internally conflicted over responsibilities, question their parenting methods, experience feelings of failure due to their shortcomings and they fall short of personal parenting expectations. They often fear not being the ‘perfect’ parent for their children when they feel torn between their obligations as a caregiver with personal interests, work commitments, or family expectations. While parental guilt comes from a place of love, it can contribute to conflict, increased depression, or overcompensation.
Guilt is an emotion, not a reality or a life sentence. Guilt arises when we become aware of failing to be the best we could have been for our children. It comes and goes and can be mild or all the way to being debilitating. Guilt tries to tell us something is wrong and needs to be corrected.
Insecurity is something that a lot of people struggle with at all ages and at almost every stage of their lives. Children can be insecure about their abilities in school or on their sports teams. Young adults can feel insecure at their jobs and careers and even parents can be insecure. Being insecure can have a significant impact on a person’s mental health and well-being.
Parents work really hard on building their child’s confidence. They want their child to know that they can achieve anything they put their mind to. And even if they fail, it is not a reflection of who they are as a person or their worth. However, parents give so much of themselves to their children to make sure they have everything they need that they can often neglect themselves. This means that parents can often neglect their own confidence and then you end up with insecure parenting. Insecure parenting is not something that just affects the parent but it can affect the children.
Parents rarely deny experiencing some kind of guilt or insecurity when raising children. For most, a moderate amount of guilt is actually a sign of love or strong attachment and commitment to do the best we can to raise healthy children. Of course, it is a matter of degrees. Remember the old saying, “Everything in moderation?” Too little or too much of something can create serious problems for both parents and children. The trick is to know we have it and why and, more importantly, how it drives our choices and actions in our role as parents.
Where Does Parental Guilt and Insecurity Come From:
External Factors
From the outside, there is often tremendous pressure to be the perfect parent. However, many parents find these standards unrealistic and unattainable. This pressure is further compounded by the pressure exerted by employers who expect the same level of work performance from employees, despite the intense stressors and challenges they face as parents. Some examples of external pressures include: culture, family, social media, and parenting experts.
- Family members may offer unsolicited advice leaving parents feeling judged or overwhelmed by conflicting opinions.
- Societal expectations about children developing specific values, behaviors, or achievements can add to parenting stress, especially when parents believe they fail to meet these standards.
- Work pressures can be particularly taxing for parents as they strive to balance professional responsibilities with parental obligations. They may prioritize their job over their families, resulting in a cycle of guilt for not fully committing to their parental roles.
Internal Factors
Parents often have unrealistic expectations of themselves. Having a child is a full-time job on its own. Being a parent while also working is a considerable adjustment and a tremendous load of responsibility that few prior experiences could prepare you for. Parents might experience feelings of inadequacy when they are unable to successfully deal with their child’s emotional, physical, or intellectual needs. These beliefs deepen if they compare themselves to other parents with a ‘knack’ for parenting, contributing to a constant battle to keep up with an idealized perception of perfect parenting.
- Conflicts over parenting approaches can leave parents at odds with their partners over the conventional wisdom surrounding child-rearing. Parents may question their abilities, particularly if they change their parenting philosophies to appease others’ expectations.
- The quest for perfection fuels parental guilt, especially in an era of social media and hyper-connectedness. Parents are constantly exposed to fake, edited images of parenthood and may set unrealistic expectations for themselves in response. The reality is that no parent is perfect and constant self-improvement is essential in parenting.
Signs of Parental Insecurity and Guilt
There may be parents out there who are walking around insecure and not even aware of it. Parents cannot move to change something that they don’t know exists so it is important to know what the signs are of an insecure parent. According to Bustle, an insecure parent has been described as being “emotionally immature” and this means that at their core they are only thinking of themselves. This means that they can exhibit some big emotions if things don’t go the way they’d planned and this stems out of insecurity because they feel like they have made a grand failure.
Another clear sign of an insecure parent is the need for constant emotional validation. This can be from their spouse, the community, or even their own children. They constantly need to be told they are doing a good job or that they are a good parent. It can be hard to realize that you are an insecure parent but realizing the areas you are struggling with is a great first step at working on how to be better for your children.
Characteristics of Parent Guilt:
- Feeling like you’re never fully in either parental mode or work mode
- Feeling like you’re always doing something wrong
- Always having a long to-do list but feeling like you’re only able to do the bare minimum to get by
- Feeling as though you’re juggling one too many things
- Not being able to enjoy time with your children
- Stressing over work and the status of your company/career
- Not having any time for yourself
- Not being able to do any hobbies or activities you enjoy
- Experiencing anxiety or depression
- Having trouble sleeping or eating
- Feeling tired and stressed all the time
- Straining your relationships at home, at work, and with friends
- Parent guilt can cause you to feel like a failure at work and at home.
References:
- https://www.choosingtherapy.com/parental-guilt/
- https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/healthy-connections/201109/are-you-guilty-parent
- https://www.verywellmind.com/parent-guilt-causes-characteristics-and-coping-strategies-6746224
- https://www.moms.com/how-handle-parental-insecurity/
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