Issue: June 2024 Part 1
Balance
Being a parent is hard work. We know that balancing everything life has to offer can be a challenge. As such we decided to do a series on Balance. Here you will be able to find tips to help you balance life a little better. We would love to hear how these tools and tips are working for you once you have implemented them (info@2motherhens.com).
**Consistency is one of the most important aspects of effective parenting**
Welcome to the eleventh installment of the BALANCE series:
Changes that occur during the process of divorce make our lives absolutely chaotic or feel like we’re adrift in the ocean without a tether. Both our inner and outer life change and nothing is like it used to be. Taking care of yourself is paramount and sometimes very hard to do – especially since it is so easy to lose your orientation in this flow and forget about what is really important. Therefore, here are some tips to pay attention to while going through the process:
Parenting with a Narcissist
When dealing with the Narcissist, every action they make is so they can get what they need out of the interaction – to be the center of attention or have complete control. Whatever action the narcissist engages in or whatever words come out of their mouth, you need to always think “how does this benefit the narcissist”? This is the way the narcissist is thinking due to them always needing to be the center and in control.
She/he is a narcissist should a particular course of action doesn’t align with their agenda of self-promotion, they’re not interested.
Narcissists are driven by external validation. The story they fabricate about how poorly you treat them feeds their ego with their secondary attention supply (family and friends). If they lose pity and victim status, they will collapse in on themselves like a dying star.
Narcissists are emotional children. Most developed their pathology as a very young child and it has become part of who they are. This is why it’s so difficult for narcissists to have the capacity to change.
They would have to annihilate their egos to accomplish such a feat and their egos were constructed to keep them alive. They are, and likely always will be, children in grown-up bodies.
It can be difficult to conceive of your ex as a toddler. However, chances are if you examine their actions critically, you will see the similarities: they test boundaries, they tantrum when they don’t get their way, they are extremely self-centered, and they crave constant attention and praise.
The only way to have any mitigating effect on their behavior is to set boundaries like you would a child. Being a good parent doesn’t mean coddling and soothing. It means being consistent with limits and consequences. The challenge of a good parent is to make your children independent of you. You have to consistently allow them to experience the natural consequences of violating your house rules or they will never learn to function without you.
Ex: If your child’s other parent comes into your space and is disrespectful or makes you feel uncomfortable by their rude behavior then they lose the privilege to come into your home until they can be respectful of you and your home. Your home is a sacred space for you and your child. You are the only one who is able to guard and protect the sanctity of your home so do so. By letting bad/ rude behaviors slide, it allows the other parent to know that they have the ability to set the tone for your household, even if it is slightly. It also teaches your child that it is okay to be rude and or that they should allow themselves to be treated badly.
When, for example, it’s their visitation weekend and they don’t have a swimsuit for your child at their house and texts you demanding that you stop whatever you are doing and drop the swimsuit from your house off…right now — and, of course, you ignore their demand because it is unreasonable and they have a responsibility to provide for their child when they are in their care. They will sanctimoniously conclude that the reason your child can’t go swimming is because of YOU. Your child is now miserable sitting out at a pool party because you’re too selfish to bring it to them. They sure are going to hate you when they grow up and figure out how terribly you treated them.
You can’t be afraid of their protest tantrums. Chances are that laying down that boundary will result in one $12 swimsuit purchased from Target, a delightful swim at a pool party, and zero additional requests to supply swimwear.
Even if they don’t comply right away, your child will be okay sitting out one afternoon and, truth be told, you aren’t responsible for the parental choices they make in their home anyway. If they want to disallow their child to go swimming in order to engage in a power struggle over $12 and an admission that they have so little agency in their life that they’re incapable of a Target run, you have to allow them shoot themselves in the foot.
Boundaries
Boundaries need to be proactive and not reactive. When a parent does not give and show respect, boundaries on contact between parents should be put into place in order for there to be limited interaction until both parties come to an agreed upon understanding of how respect should be shown for both parties.
One of the biggest challenges of boundaries with co-parents can be keeping healthy boundaries for yourself while making your child accessible to speak with their other parent while at your home. You would consider setting limits on when and how often the child’s other parent can call to speak with the children. In addition to communication methods, you should also set boundaries with your physical space. This is necessary because sometimes a former partner may use too-frequent calls or visits as a control or manipulation tactic.
It is important to set strict boundaries SOONER RATHER THAN LATER, despite the difficulty. It sets up structure and lets the other person know their limits. If the person pushes on the boundaries then it is easier for the person setting the boundary to reiterate and stick with their boundary without explanation. If the boundary is not set then the person pushing the boundary continues to push the boundary and is reinforced and emboldened by the “gray area”. Letting them know that since you have given them some room they can increase their negative behavior to ultimately get what they want. Once this negative pattern or a lack of boundaries have been set, it is harder to then set rules when you’ve allowed free reign within your space.
DO NOT FEED INTO THEIR MANIPULATION.
Ex: When on vacation and the child’s mother incessantly wants to call or Facetime. This is a way for the mother to control the vacation as well as monitor what is happening in the father’s life. Without setting strict boundaries/call times, the mother will try to infringe upon the father’s vacation with the child through the contact with the child. As explained before, setting up boundaries on the front end may be difficult but will allow each parent to know their limits and not infringe upon the other parent’s time with the child. If the boundaries are infringed upon, the said parent only needs to reiterate the agreement/ boundary with no other explanation. Without these firm boundaries or answers of “maybe”, the narcissistic parent will push to get their way and will continue to do so in order to assert their control and need for attention, despite them not being there.
Plan: Set up specific time, duration and frequency that the child can talk with their other parent. This should happen before the vacation. When the child does have contact with their other parent, that is their time and should be situated in a place where they will be able to focus on their parent’s call while not infringing upon the space of others.
-Think of it as building a sturdy foundation. Boundaries are setting that foundation for you and your family. If you let the other person come in and work within the gray, you are setting the foundation on quick sand.
Super Specific Parenting Plan
One way to minimize conflict is to have a very specific parenting plan. Specific really means specific. Include details of the day to day schedule such as where the children will be during the week, from what time, and where and how the pick-ups and drop-offs will take place. Also include details about the weekends, Monday holidays, major holidays, birthdays, Mother’s Day, Father’s Day and any other day that may be important to you. The parenting plan will also ideally include how school vacations will be handled as well as any details about travel plans. More detail equals less to fight about which equals less interaction with the narcissist. Parallel parenting should be considered and that just means that the parents have as little interaction with each other as possible. The exchanges can take place at school or some other neutral location and all details are pre-determined, thereby minimizing communication between the parents. The parenting plan should be reduced to a document, signed by both parties, then rendered into some sort of court order. Without a court order, the judge will have no authority to assist with enforcement when the narcissist violates the agreement which is a foregone conclusion and undoubtedly will happen.
Lower your expectations: Get rid of the “should” and deal with “what is.”
This is the most important cognitive reframing strategy you have at your disposal. The disappointment of unmet expectations will make you miserable in any area of your life but it is especially painful when you are watching your children suffer the loss of the kind of parent they should have.
Due to the Narcissist’s fragile ego and need to control. They will try any ploy to get you to stay in their cycle of drama with them, including parenting. YOU DO NOT NEED TO BE FRIENDS WITH YOUR EX TO PARENT! Interactions that are respectful and non-confrontational are best for your child.
Ex: The child’s other parent will often try to implement family time despite your divorce or separate lives, knowing that that is not a positive move for you or your household. This is twofold. They are using you and the others around them as a crutch since they are inadequately prepared to parent your child. Sometimes this comes more clearly into focus after you leave and they no longer have you to prop them up. It can be a shock seeing just how deficient they really are.
The child’s bond with their other parent cannot be through you and needs to be a bond they have separately from you. You cannot fix their bond nor should you be a crutch for this parent. You need to focus on having your own bond with your child. Recognize that the other parent is trying to use you for help while controlling the relationship you have with the child by inserting themselves into it. The bond with your child is sacred and your own. Be careful who you allow to influence that bond.
Once you are able to see his capabilities and limitations for what they are, you will learn to let go of the disappointment you feel when they don’t show up as the child-focused parenting partner you wish you had, and that will save you some serious emotional upheaval. Less disappointment means you have more energy available for the positive things in your life.
Do What Works for You.
Ex: Being in a relationship with a narcissist (other parent) means that you have endured emotional and/or maybe physical abuse. Thus realizing that the potential or actual reactions/tantrums of the other parent gives you anxiety. With this anxiety there is a fight or flight response which can often lead to a shutdown and a placating of a situation (giving into or glossing over the narcissist’s request)- again living in the gray area, eg. maybe another time. This shutdown/placating state is a reinforcement of a lack of boundaries; gives the narcissist hope which reinforces their behaviors to continue their infringement upon your space, time, home and mental state. Again, BOUNDARIES are the key! You also need to address the anxiety surrounding your relationship with the narcissist in order to be vigilant and present as to not placate/gloss over events, therefore giving them wiggle room to manipulate and control.
Plan: If you find that taking their phone calls or showing up at your house sets you into a fight or flight mode, stop taking their phone calls or set up a different place to meet. Tell them that communication will be through email only. If they demand to change a pickup time or want a modification of the visitation schedule without a reasonable explanation, only oblige if it works for you.
This is very important to remember. If you always accommodate them and cave to their demands, they will never stop making them. It’s okay to accept their requests to deviate from the visitation schedule in ways that work for you but it has to be on your terms.
Maintain Perspective on Conflicts
Even during the worst times, be sure to acknowledge what you’re up against. Underneath that exterior of bold confidence, the narcissist is extremely sensitive to criticism and likely has very low self-esteem. Your conflicts are much less about the situations at hand and far more about ego. Knowing this is half the battle. What’s important is that you stay sane and your child stays safe. Advocate for your child and keep their interests closest to your heart. In the long run, shifting the focus off all the spats and keeping your efforts on what’s truly important will only strengthen your relationship with your children.
Resources/Articles:
How To Set Boundaries When Co-Parenting With A Narcissist:
Grey Rock Method:
Article on the Grey Rock Method and how to handle the interaction with a narcissist
https://www.healthline.com/health/grey-rock#dont-tell-them
Cycle of Drama: