Discipline and Consistency in Child Rearing

Issue: October 2023

Balance

Being a parent is hard work. We know that balancing everything life has to offer can be a challenge. As such we decided to do a series on Balance. Here you will be able to find tips to help you balance life a little better. We would love to hear how these tools and tips are working for you once you have implemented them (info@2motherhens.com).

Welcome to the second installment of the BALANCE series:

Discipline and Consistency in Child Rearing

Consistency is one of the most important aspects of effective parenting.

Consistency:

• This means that we follow through with what we say we are going to do. It gives power to our words.
• Allows boundaries and expectations to be set which actually provides children with a sense of safety.
• Enforces structures and routines which helps kids learn how to control their behaviors.

Inconsistency:

• Confuses children. They learn that their parents’ responses are not predictable and therefore do not know what to expect. This can result in maladaptive behavior: aggression, hostility, passivity, etc.
• Unpredictable behavior by a parent can overwhelm the children’s coping defenses which can lead to anxiety.

Parents need to be proactive in order to set up consistency within the household.

Implementing Consistency and Structure:

• First and foremost, make sure that all caregivers within the household are on the same page and respond in similar ways to poor behavior, implementing the same structure and discipline for specific behaviors.
• If parents live separately, it will be beneficial for there to be consistent behavior across all households. However, it is MOST important for there to be consistency for your child within YOUR OWN household.
• Kids learn early how to pit one caregiver against the other when they vary in their standards or if they observe poor communication between them.

Start Small!

• Make a list of the most problematic behaviors – be specific.
• Rank the behaviors from the worst to the least worst.
• Pick a few of the worst behaviors to work on.
• Make sure that each behavior has a consequence that is specific to the behavior and age-appropriate.
• Have a family meeting and let the children know what actions are expected and the consequences if those actions aren’t followed. Make sure the actions are specific and not broad (e.g. sitting at the table for dinner vs. behaving at dinner).
• This interaction will help inform them of the rules and follow the rules because they know what the consequences are if they break the rules.
• Repetition of the rules and expectations is KEY! Repetition helps them integrate information into their brain.
• If there is difficulty around dinner time, make the child go over the rules with you before heading into that space.
• Caregivers within the household need to be consistent when dealing with negative behaviors and ALWAYS present a united front.

Young children work better with visual cues so writing/drawing out these actions may be a great help/reminder of the rules and consequences to your children.

Start routines!

Routines help in so many ways. They:

• Eliminate power struggles.
• Give kids a sense of security and develop self-discipline.
• Help kids get on a schedule.
• Help kids learn the concept of looking forward to things they enjoy but also that there are things in life we need to do that are not our most favorite thing but are necessary.
• Help parents maintain consistency in expectations:
  • E.g. If your child has difficulty around transitions, make sure they have a lot of guidance and routine around that time. They will know what they are supposed to do down to small details. This allows the child to have some consistency and repetition within the disruption of their schedule.

*If children spend time in two households and there may be inconsistency to their schedule, usually surrounding holidays, a visual calendar that tells them where they should be on what date might be helpful in understanding their routines during the holiday.  

Independence:

• Giving choices to children is important and fosters their sense of independence.
• Children should know ahead of time when they get to choose and when they do not

Negotiations:

1. Agree on the rules before negotiating
2. Set the negotiables and the non-negotiables.
3. Understand negotiation is part of their learning process:
   1. As said before, bath time is non-negotiable but they may have the option of taking a shower or bath, what 3 toys they play with, etc.
4. Keep your communication short and direct – using a calm and authoritative voice.
5. Don’t be afraid to say “No.”
6. Issue warnings to defuse tantrums- this is to be done in a calm but authoritative voice.

• Naptime or bedtime is a prime time for children to negotiate and try to avoid going to sleep.
• Therefore, it is a prime time for challenging behavior! So, be prepared. Confidently walk them through what they need to do (they can have autonomy by choosing their pajamas or what stuffed animal they want to sleep with). Definitely don’t negotiate or give them choices past the bedtime routine or allow them to stall. Escort them to their bed. Give hugs and kisses and lights out.

BE CONSISTENT:

This final step is key! You must consistently enforce whatever rules you create so your kids know exactly what is expected. If you allow your kids to break the rules, even once, they will know now that if they push and push they may get their way. So, BE CONSISTENT! Remember that they are in place for a reason – to make sure everyone is easily drifting off to sleep on time and getting the sleep they need!

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